Twilight Depression-

Well you know those days where everything gets you down? I had one of those days,as the only uplifting thing was to read my Dawn's letter over and over,always keeping it with me, as his ring hung around my neck and the flowers he gave me loomed close by. If he was in town I would run to the safety of his arms. I was crying not a moment ago. It just all seemed to hit me. Then again it would have been life is always this troubling I just haven't noticed until I know that I can't be uplifted by my Dawn. I can't run to his aid the moment something goes wrong or I am afraid.....
He has gone curling for the weekend. If I could, I would have gone with him to watch him curl and so both of us wouldn't have to be away from each other. This is the first time since I recognized that my hate for him was simply a grudge against Prince in not wanting to be heartbroken again and that I actually loved my Dawn.
He gave me flowers and letters for every day he's gone but I find even that is not enough. I miss him terribly. I want to scream aloud and know that ,no matter how far away he is, he will hear me,run home to me and hold me in his arms as I let go the feelings I know I'm holding in.

Now I know a few of you are going to read this and argue me. Or be upset. Don't be. If you are someone who has already be mentioned just know I take no offence. You meant no harm but did not think of you'r actions either. You did not think as you were smiling and trying to give eachother the happyness you had longed for so long.
Don't talk about it either. Let us pretend it never happened as I simply run away from that very thing that caused my breakdown to the point I had to get the ruler of night and day to come save me. I'm so glad I have her.

Anyways so here I was. Missing my loverly Dawn. Awakening (By Mae) played in the background of my head as I tried to not only hold back the tears and lonlyness but try and play DND as well...without thinking that,if this were any other DND week, I would be in his arms and,in a small amount of time, by more than just in his arms.

Yet it seemed life had more thrown in front of me.

Bun-Bun decided that he would ,against my wishes that I had stated LAST DND, to not pay any attention to DND in any way. Sure he roleplay but that's not the same as paying attention. He would get off topic,get really loud and all he seemed to care about was him character being SO funny and flirting with his girlfriend. I think even his girlfriend noticed how un-calm he was being. When I told him it was bothering me he glared at me,got mad, and he even raised his voice.((I would love to say he yelled at me but I know I will be argued. So I won't but that's indeed what it felt like.))

Now think of this. Not two weekends ago me and Dawn were talking as everyone else was playing DND because we were not needed and Bun-Bun REALLY yelled got mad ,split us up and left me feeling like crap.

Now he's even worse and when I kindly tell him,then strongly tell him, he doesn't even listen to me. He tends to argue more about it and get more angry when he knows it's his fault.

So I'm quitting DND. I won't be in a place where I know it's his fault but I can't change him. I can only change myself. SO this is what I'M going to do to make myself happier. I know she won't stop coming. I don't blame her. DND is really fun ,specially when your with your boyfriend, and she really shouldn't have to leave. It's not her fault he gets out of hand when he is only following what seems to be his love and sex drive for someone as amazing as her.

I think the thing I'm going to miss most is the excuse to sleepover with Dawn.
That will suck.
Then again,maybe we can just sleepover alone without all the other people,or at least hang out till really really late.

Twilight.

Twilights Tomorrow~

Well isn't this funny. For me ,Twilight, to see the sun rise....I don't think it has ever been like this. More and more Dawn is taking over me ,heart and mind, and I have found myself filling up with such a happiness and warmth for everyone around me as they all seem to be having their happy endings. Even my moms happy ,and when she isn't, it's like its so far away from me because I'm so much in my head because I'm trying to implant all my memories with Dawn by my side for when he has to leave in three days or even less so that I won't lose this happiness.

Although he does have to go away for his sport, I mean other than the obvious sport of turning dark people like me into light. I will miss him but he's so happy when he's doing his thing I have to support him. He loves it and I love him doing it.....not that it makes the days away from him any easier.

Twilight.

~Twilight Night/Day~

Well I have so much thats happened in the small time frame.
First off you will never guess what?! I was talking to Prince and in the thing that he admited he had liked me he said it was just lust!! It kinda really hurts my pride. I had really thought we were going to be together...a long time ago. He only saw me as easy I guess. I mean I thought it all along...in the back of my mind , knewing he would dump me for someone like her, pretty and popular but I guess I thought that if I could appeal to his lust I could keep him...not that I regret anyhting about not being with him now but I gave him everything I had and alot that I didn't. I worked myself so hard...just to have him not like me in any way.

Atleast I have Dawn. Who I hung out with today and plan on hanging out with omorrow and the day after.

Thankfully.

~Twilgihts Turmoil~

First off theme song lists!!:
Hayden=
a)so what by P!nk
b)Another you by cascada

Me=
a)Who I am hates who I'v been
b)25 hours

Ok so you remember the ruler of night and day yes? Well it just so happens she is sick. now she is going to the hospital! Now im a little freaked out because ,even though I may have ranted about her once or twice, I still love her. I don't want her to have to spend her every day going in and out of hospitals.

Ya. Thats not on my to see list.

Anyways yesterday was another night filled of talking and DND. I stayed up till 4 in the morning ((4:30....)) with my Dawn and I don't quite know when the others went to sleep.

Anyways ok you know how sometimes the last person you would expect says something toally random that you would have never heard from you'r mouth and yet ,although normally you would know how to answer you are toally dumb founded and have no idea.....

Ok so person ((who wished to remain unknown so we WILL be keeping it that way.)) We will call her Star, was talking to me and all of the suddens he asks me if Im going to marry Dawn. 0.0. Not only when I asnwer that I don't she continues on by saying how much she likes DAwn and she hated Prince always and then she goes ON even farther by asking me to please have kids.

How do I answer that? By saying I guess it would by up to Dawn.

.......0.0.........

Twilight.

~Twilights Other Rant~

So for anyone who was intereste din my other rant here it is. ((although it's a little different))





Ok so my friend ,we will call him Bun-Bun. Now Bun-Bun has this new girlfriend right? Im really happy for him and all. I mean for once I actully think he may like ehr...although he will always be insicure. He more and more shows me that he likes her and on the sleepover he really showed me. I have hope for him in having a really great relationship with this girl.



The problem? He showed it by echoing fears I thought would happen once he finally fell in love.



Ok so boy meets girl. Boy falls in love with Girl. Boy finally gets girl and then....what happens to boys best friend?

~Sleepovers In Twilight~

Ok. So first we will start off with some rants((sorry to the second person I think your awesome but whatever. First person...I could care less if you fell off the face of the earth because really that is the relationship you have made us have anyway. Two different people never meeting exept to exchange pleasantries at our lockers where you try and become friends,maybe more I'm beginning to think you regret leaving me, until your girlfriend comes and glares at me....If you haven't guessed that it's Prince...you dont deserve to read this blog.))

Ok first rant. I'm almost sure Prince wants me back. Weather by accident or not I don't even care anymore but his hand totally rubbed against my ass. Not only that but when you loved her you forgot I existed ,en less you were making her happy yelling at me about how its killing you that shes mad at you because the glares I send as I try and get away from you but won't tell me whats wrong when i finally see the real prince is to personal. Even if you asked her out I wouldn't even come back. Do you think you can just rule my heart? Dawn lights it up in a way you never could without fear or insecurity...unlike you.

If you asked me out the only reason I would ever even think about you in that way was if...
a-you weren't with her
b-you have gone back to my prince
c-you had totally publicly told her that's why you were leaving her and that you made the wrong choice.

Even then Id probably choose dawn. 99.9% sure I would choose him.
Ill do the other rant later.

This Weeks Twilight~

Well my owner ,the ruler of day and night, (aka my mom) has said that my week can not be written tinto my blog exept for on weekends. I personally argue that. How am I suppose to get the same emotion? The same pains or Happyness after four days? I describe best when it was only later that day or ,at most, only yesterday.
Speaking of Yesterday though alot of weird things happened. Prince is still being really friendly and I still ahve no idea why. He didn't cuddle her as much yesterday though and not only that but I heard him telling her he couldn't hang out ,although she kept making new times he just kept saying he couldn't. Thats the Prince i knew. It's nice to know that she is geting the same brushoffs I did.

Anyways yesterday I actully ditched band and huing out with Dawn...Prince acompying him. It was kinda interesting. I don't know what to think. Exept I know of my feelings for Dawn and really I guess thats all that really matters. I have him. I love him...it doesn't really matter wether or not Prince still likes me or vice versa. It's not happenning again. I'd be mroe likly to sprout wings and become day.

Also although I am not toally sure I think he brushed his hand against my ass. Excuse me but I think that a little creepy.... I hope he didn't mean to. It was probably just an axident and ,untill otherwise spoken which it won't be because even if he did it on purpose he would never grow the balls to say he did something like that...or face the fact that he likes me. He's not. Hes going to be under her rule forever. Or untill she lets him go. Poor Prince. It saddens me he can't even stick up for what he wants.

Also in my S.S class((yes we times of day still go to class)) I get to skip out because the teacher is showing a rated R for violence and gore movie without any parental permission. I told him that if he wanted to make me see it he could call the ruler of night and day. He didn't so I jst walked out along with two girls who weren't strong enough to battle the teacher but didn't wan to watch it. I was a hero. That's one for Twilight.

Anyways maybe today will be a little less confusing....

~Twilight

~Twilights True Meaning~

Before I start on another accunt of the depressing bitter sweet life of a girl stuck in twilight,never truly night bt never truly day, I must say I have found a theme song. It's called leave the peics and it's dedicated to Prince.

Alright so as for today. I will start by saying how fed up I am with myself and people around me. ((Dawn you'r not included)) For one I feel I can never trust myself ,and yet I trust everyone around me. I feel like I think I love Dawn but then here it is Prince ,I think, is starting to go public with his emotions. I mean he has always wanted me ,even when he dumped me for her, but he wanted to give her a chance then he started saying that he liked her....loved her even. I almost wiht that statment had been true. I mena I don't want him to like me but then in the back of my mind would I really care so much if I didn't like him and ,more than the fct that he's an asswhole to like me and try to get me the same way he did her and brake her heart just like he did mine, is I'm really hating him for getting my hopes up and atch them brake once more. As if it's a hobby and nothing more. He gets me thinking I can win him back,wether I do or not I fear the answer is not what I think right now, then destorys it when he doesn't call when he said he would and decides to flaunt his relationship with his little "friend" right infront of me.

Oh Dawn. I do love you ok? My heart brakes as I think of you reading this and then get hurt thinking I don't care or you. I do. I never want to hurt you and I never plan on it. I am never going to brake up with you for the likes of him and thats why this is bothering me so. Because really I just want to go on wiht my life with you and have him go own with his life with er. I don't wan to love him and I don't think I do but ... I don't know I fear it and so the more I think of it the more the fear sets in my head that it's reality.

Im so sorry.
Just know I love you...if it's even fair to claim that of you anymore...
Don't ever leave.
I still need my light.

~Twilight.

~Screams in the Twilight~

I sit ehre at my comuter,the homewor I am suppose to be doing constantly reminding me of what happened to lea dup to this point in time. A mmo that I guess took to much and held it all in.
What I think? I think It's her boyfriend. We'll call him Ret. Everytime he is in are life she is always more stressed and she always ens up yelling and screaming at me to the point I don't even think I take it to myself anymore. I mean the things she says hurts and I cry but then I don't try to change anything because I don't see it as my fault anymore. I see it as hers almost. So I'm trying to change but I don't know what to change ebcause to change into someone she will like I have to be gifted but really Im not. Im creative and I know I am exellent in mt places but I am not gifted. There are better artists. Better writers. Better idea's. Im also not special like my older brother.

So what can I really do? I am intrtwined to the point where even my own brother who gets upset when he kils a fly is making fun of me. But none of them mean it. None of them ever mean anything they say to me. Im and inkspot on the corner of their everyday pages. They dn't even notice me enless they are whiting me out simply because they are screwing up on the work thats suppose to be on the page. A way to get rid of anger. That is what I'm good at. I am good at taking other people's pain and sending to myself instead but ,really, will I ever be rewarded for something like that?

~Twilight

~Confusion comes mostly in Twilight~

Now here I sit,reminissing of the past few days, of which I can't even understend,with so much going wrong, the happness I feel. Maybe it is because with Dawn as my only light I reach for where he truly cares to reach back and let me hide myself within his arms I can face my problems eye to eye with reasoning.
Prince called today. I wonder why...though I dought I'll ever truly beleive the answer I got. His reasonings was that hiswas bored and his girlfriend was at work. Thats to evil...even for him. A Prince of night changing me from daylight to Twilight a place of mysteries and secrets and things locked so far away within my heart I dought I even know all of them.
I still feel as though I long to protect him but the felings of love...they linger no more. We can't be personal anymore so not only has hearing him snarl this like ym name is a bad word but as if it wasn't that we couldn't..only that he wanted to have nothing to do with me. It was probably true.
Tomorrow will be a little confusing. I don't no how to act. What am I to say? I know not of his intentions or even what he thinks anymore. I fear that truly he is not saying everythig and if underlining it all there is some 'us' I do not understand I long to run away before I even hear it.
Dawn will never be replaced. I don't want it. I can't live in a drk world now that light has been opened up. It is like choosing to be blind after seeing for the first time.

~Twilight

~Twilight Kiss~

Halloween has come and gone and as I put my costume away,probably never to be used ever again I begin to wonder what life really is about. We spend hundereds of dollars to look good for one day and then every other day we must dress like we are nothing but normal just so we can reach for soemthing we can never really achieve. For some it's high marks. For some it's a social status. For some it's to be near the person that mends you heart without even knowing it for every waking moment you spend ,then have him next to you and scare off the nightmare's that come at you as you sleep.
He is like a person I thought I had destoyed. Ins ome ways I did. he is ,at times, like everything my Prince was only better. When I'm with him pain is nothing but an illusion I culdn't even reach if I try. I can not help but smile as he looks at me with such admiration and gentlessness I am suprised I don't melt away into his heart to be hidden form a harsh world. Then again maybe that is what I am doing.
Who is he? We will call him Dawn. I am twilight ,the day slipping into dark and he is my dawn pulling the light back into a pitch black world.

We spent till the next day in eachother's arms, holding eachother from things both us didn't want to face. Hoping that time would just see how much we need eachohter ad just stop the whole time around us. Even if only for a moment.

He doesn't even know how much I care for him because worsds can not express it, but even so lay charred ashes of things I wuld kill myself if they arise once more. I will never want to let him go for Price. Ever. Knowing I feel this stronly abou it you think I would be able to assure myself I can love him forever like I wan tto but I hate myslef for not beleiving but I will admit.
Im afraid Prince is my demon that no matter how hard I run is always faster,catches up, and drowns me in leis and deception.

Please don't lt this be true.
I just want to be wiht Dawn.
Forever.


<~Twilight~>